Cancer

Cancer has been a big part of my life.  I do not have it (that I know of) but it’s been in my family for more than half of my life.

In 1995 I lost my Grandmother from lung cancer.  She went through chemo but it did not help.  She passed away with in a few months of being diagnosed.

In 1996 my Mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.  She had her lower left lobe of her lung removed.  I was in high school and my brother was in middle school.  My father had recently moved out so the household was left to me.  I had decided to graduate from high school early so I attended summer school to take the only class I needed to graduate.  During that time my Mom was in the hospital recovering from surgery.  When she finally came home I remember her having to lug a glass jar around with a tube hanging out of her side….it was to drain fluid from her lung.  Talk about crazy!!  I was 16 years old….having to make sure the jar didn’t over fill, make sure her dressing was changed properly, make sure she was eating right.  I had to grow up at 16.  Literally run the house at that age!  And I tell you what….I would NOT change any of it!  I’m proud to say I was there for her.  I’m proud to say I cared for her.  I’m proud to say I did all I could.  I’m proud to say that my brother and I got along during probably one of the hardest times of our young lives.  She recovered quite well from that surgery.  She had trouble walking long distances because she would become winded but she was a fighter and she fought!

In 1996 my Uncle was also in the same hospital at the same time for cancer….he didn’t make it.  I don’t remember if they let my Mom come to the funeral or not.  I know we discussed it with doctors but don’t remember the outcome.  I do know that he was a great Uncle to me and I will always love him.  Every time I hear the song that was played at his funeral (Stand By Me) I flash back to standing on that green grass with all my family there.

In 2004 my Mother was diagnosed again with lung cancer.  This time with terminal lung cancer.  I’d just had a baby and knew something wasn’t right with her.  She’d gone for her checkups and remember I was standing in a Volkswagen Repair Shop in Dallas, Texas hanging out with our friends and I got a call.  She was silent when I answered and I knew immediately what the problem was.  I said it’s back isn’t it.  She said yes.  This time though it was stage 4…….terminal cancer.  I was devastated!  My 1st baby…her grandchild would not get to grow up with his Grandma!!!  She passed away 2 years almost to the day that we found out.  My son Kennyth had just turned 2.  She missed his 2nd birthday party too….she was in the hospital.  She was way sicker that time around and was in the hospital a lot.

I remember the day I got the call…..the dreaded call that she’d passed.  My Uncle called me at work and asked why I wasn’t at the hospital with my Mom.  I had no idea things had turned for the worst.  I was in the middle of training a co-worker cause I knew this day was coming….little did I know it was that fast.  I left work and went straight to the hospital.  I stayed there with her until a little after midnight.  My brother stayed the night.  I go home cause I have kids that needed me.  I decided to work from home the next day and I called my brother to see how she was.  He said the same so I said I’m going to finish up a little bit of work here then head that way.  I hung the phone up and laid it down.  As soon as I walked away from laying it down it rang.  Caller ID said it was my brother…so I picked it up and said what’s up.  He started yelling at me frantically and asking where I was….I was like seriously?!  I just hung the phone up with you.  Then it hit me….he said she’s gone.  I seriously flew to that hospital.  My Mom….my best friend just left my life.

It’s funny how strong a person can be.  I remember I wasn’t worried about me….I wasn’t worried that I’d lost my Mom.  I was worried about my baby brother who’d just witnessed our Mom take her last breath.  I remember speeding the entire way to Mansfield, Texas from Keller, Texas.  I never speed so I was praying the entire way there that I’d make it w/out killing myself or getting pulled over.  On the way I called our family friend Arlene cause I knew she was closer than me.  I didn’t want my brother to be alone.  I parked the car and ran so fast to my brother.  We hugged for a few moments then went inside to see her.  She was at peace.  No more pain.

Planning a funeral at the age of 26…..yah, I don’t recommend it.  It was so hard to make sure you were making the right decisions.  My Mom’s family was there and I was so afraid they’d hate me forever for making the wrong choice.  Which now it doesn’t matter cause yah, they hate me.  Her dad, 2 brothers, and sister were there.  I kept asking them over and over what their opinion was and they didn’t really have one.  I believe my brother and I did the best we could.  She had a beautiful service and funeral.

My Mom’s been gone 7 years now and it seems so long ago yet not.  I think about her every single day.  Love you and miss you more then you’ll ever know Mom!!

In 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, Jayson.  The due date was September 15th I believe.  Knowing that Kennyth came 2 weeks early because he was giant I knew there was a BIG possibility that Jayson could be born on my Mom’s birthday, September 6th.  I tried and tried to talk my doctor into letting me deliver on the 6th but it was a Saturday and yah, do you know how hard it is to talk a doctor into that?!  Freaking hard!  I even tried the sob story…even though it was real I still had to try.  So I go into my scheduled appt I was already dilated to a 3!  With Kennyth they had to break my water, induce me, and I still had 26 hours of labor!  He tore me so bad that I had to have a c-section for any future kiddos so I knew with Jayson it’d be scheduled.  But when they told me I was at a 3 all by myself I was excited!  If I hadn’t have been scheduled maybe just maybe I’d have had him on my mom’s birthday.  Well I was told to get my pre-op done on the 4th and we’d have the c-section on the 5th.  I suppose that’s good enough.

We lived over an hour away from the hospital so we had Kennyth stay the night with my Dad and they’d come up to the hospital around 7am.  We had to be there at 5am so yah…do that math!  Baby coming…c-seciton…needed a good shower before birth!  I get there and we’re waiting as you know you will.  I was so happy with all my family there.  Of course the one person I wanted there couldn’t be….my mom.  You talk about hard!

The time came….I was prepped for surgery and wheeled into the room.  As they were transferring me to the bed in that room I hear music.  But not just any music.  It was a song that was played at my mom’s funeral…one that I loved so much and every time I heard it all I could do is cry.  I remember saying that song…that song.  And the doctors and nurses were like we can turn it off.  I said no….it was played at my mom’s funeral…she’s here with me…she’s here with me!!!!  It was a very magical moment for me.  I’m big on signs.  So that just made my day…well my life I suppose.

Once I got to see my sweet little Jayson I knew my Mom was living in him.  He is just like her.  I see her in him every day.  I really do.

Ok…so now that i’m off that emotional roller coaster let’s get back to cancer.

In 2009 my grandfather that had outlived my mom had been ill.  Since my family pretty much kept me in the dark I don’t know what type of cancer he had but he did die from it.  We were having real tough financial problems….so we drove 2 cars to Oklahoma for the viewing.  My husband and the kids went back home that night and I remember at the service there in Oklahoma I had to sit all by myself.  That was probably the absolute hardest funeral I’d ever been to.  Where was my family…they were there just not there for me.  They still aren’t but whatever….I’ve moved on.  It hurts when I think about it but my mom was glue to our family.  Once she died the family did too.

So now in 2013 I have 2 friends that have recently been diagnosed with cancer.  It’s all around me and I really don’t think I’ll escape it.  But until then I’ll try to live my life not in that fear….however it is very hard!