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Feelings and Thoughts


These past 2 weeks have been hard for me mentally.  I don’t know why because the people i’m about to tell you about have no relations or friendship to me.

Two weeks ago a friend of mine added me to a facebook group and at first thought I didn’t want to be added to it…for a few reasons.  1) I no longer live in Texas. 2) I don’t know this family and sure I feel sorry for them but I don’t know them and I don’t usually like stuff on FB because it usually junks up my page.

So fast forward 2 weeks…….I stayed on the page.  Her 1.5 yr old son choked on a pop tart and unfortunately didn’t make it.  I read everything that’s posted on the facebook page and cry just about every time.  My youngest son is almost 5 yrs old and I am so connected to him because of all the obstacles we’ve hit with him being Autistic.  So the thought of loosing him (really any of my kids) is just devastating.  All I can think about day and night is what would happen if I lost my kids.  I find myself hugging, loving, and kissing them so much more.  It should NOT take a child’s death to make me love my kids more.  But that’s how I feel lately….that I don’t show them I love them enough.  I have found myself slipping on them going to bed on time, wanting to read more of that book, wanting me to read a bedtime story even though I said no the first 3 times….I’m slipping for my kids.  We won’t be here forever and I want to learn to cherish those moments more and more.

I’ve seriously thought about getting out of the facebook group.  But then that makes me think….she lost a kid….a friggin kid and I haven’t.  If I were her I wouldn’t want people to turn away because it was too hard for them….hell she lost her baby!!!  So like I said I read the posts and see all the pics and video’s that are posted….and I hurt for her.  I hurt for her so much.

This past weekend another death of someone that I don’t personally know affected me…why?  I dunno.  He was a radio dj back home in Texas.  I grew up listening to him on and off my entire life.  He had a heart attack and died… symptoms led up to it, it just happened and he was dead.   I suppose I’m in shock because he’s the first celebrity type person i’ve known my entire life that’s passed on.

Just with those 2 deaths I feel like in some weird way it’s made me a better mom.  I don’t think I was a bad mom before but I do think that I can let go of some things like reading a bedtime story….why is the news or a movie I want to watch more important than my child wanting a story?!

To my kids…..I love you all…Derryk, Kennyth, & Jayson…more than you will EVER know!!!